I woke up this morning feeling confused, sad, full of creative ideas but no means and no time to execute it. I have always been so imaginative all my life. Creative ideas flow through my mind in a rush every time I see something new and potential but when it comes to executing it, I feel so lost and I give up even before I start. I believe that there are so many things that I am capable of. Creative things. It doesn’t have to be perfect. This reminds me of the time when I was a visual art student in high school. I had to complete my body of work for my HSC and I was scared to even start cause unlike other students, I wasn’t ‘good’ at painting or creating a perfect artwork. My lines were not linear and my brush strokes weren’t captivating. But these imperfections helped me to finish my body of work. I painted ballerinas with unusual figures and shapes and gave imperfection a chance. I remember feeling so liberated. That something that I thought was never close to being perfect, became an artwork itself.
This is how I resonate to myself now. I am not perfect. And I am so confident typing about it. I am not perfect. I have never been. If I look beautiful, I am scared that I look fat. If I lose weight, I am scared that I look too skinny. Until I realise its a constant cycle. I see myself through the eyes of other people. People who are strangers, who don’t know anything about me at all, but if those people spare two seconds to look at me, I feel happy thinking that I look beautiful to them. Thats just how my life has become now. I seek validation from other people’s messages. How fast they respond back to me and how much they think about me. This is how I live my life. Every morning I wish to wake up to a text from strangers to make me feel like I am important as a person when, I don’t tell myself that I am important for myself. If I don’t see that text, my whole day feels like its been wasted. I spend times listening to sad songs and victimise myself just because someone didn’t think I was important enough for them to text me. They might have been busy with loving themselves and figuring themselves out while I lay down and ponder the thoughts in my mind if they think I am useless. “What if they think I look uglier than my photos?’, ‘What if they think I am being too forward?”, ‘What if they” ” what if he”?. What about, ‘What if I?’, Why don’t I matter to myself?. Why do I never question myself if I am important to myself.
I have always told people that I love being alone. My metime is important to me more than anything. I love staying in doing nothing, being comfortable in my own shell and not deal with the world. But lately, I do things so other people can see what I am doing and so that it looks cool. I have forgotten what it feels like doing something for only myself. Just because I genuinely enjoy doing it. All these restrictions and oppressions of what I am supposed to look like and what I am supposed to act like has gotten to me eventually and its gotten so deep that I am finding hard to crawl back into my own safe space. What is my safe space? I have forgotten how it feels like.
If you came this far reading this post, thanks for staying in. I don’t even expect anyone to know or understand this post knowing that I don’t even post anymore but if you made it this far. Let’s just find ourselves and know our worth first before seeking validation from others.