Recently, I got a direct message from this guy asking if I have any real life friends? If I was myself six months ago, this simple question could make me sad and anxious for hours before I would cry myself to sleep and try hard to move on from it. Let’s start this post by asking ourselves if it’s actually worth our time and energy to go make a random comment on someone’s life, their choices and their lifestyle based on the things they choose to share online. If only life was as beautiful as their Instagram theme, as simple as their caption and full of colours like their perfectly edited Instagram photos. We show what we think is beautiful enough to attract another person to like our photos and follow us. Only few of us choose to show our vulnerability. What makes us sad, what triggers our anxiety, how many times have we decided to self-harm and stopped on the thought of not being able to end it all.
Like you, I have been through worsts phases of my life. Phases I thought I could never pass and phases that have left their mark on me forever in the form of emotional scarring deep inside my heart. Phases that still triggers my anxiety and can make me curl up in the corner of my bed and cry over small things.
In the midst of all these pain and suffering, I found my words in the form of light. They helped me escape into a different imaginary world where pain could be less by putting my small fingers down the keyboard and typing my heart away. Where I could type for hours with tears rolling down my cheeks and it would be my greatest method of healing. I would print my letters to myself, keep it in one of the shoe boxes with stash of things I found meaningful and store somewhere in the most ignored part of my closet in the hopes that no-one would find them. I would go back to it after few weeks or months, sometimes even years. You have no idea how much it feeds my heart and soul when I read my own letters to myself. It feels like exposing my own scar, letting all the captured pain flow away and to release myself from that confinement. I reach this place where I feel like I finally achieved something. Even though, its something as small as not getting anxious over small things that once used to trigger my anxiety.
Anyone can write. Some people say I am lucky that I have found something that I am good at and that helps me heal. But, you can be as basic and raw and still speak volumes to yourself. Remember, we are not doing it for the sake of others, we are not doing it so others can judge our spelling or grammar errors. You are doing it for yourself love, to feed your soul, to be more mindful about your life, to stop for a second and breathe and ponder about your current situation, to stop before all these chaos sweeps you away and to be alive.
I find my own words extremely soothing as if they came straight out of Himalayas in the form of this rare herbal medicine customised to fit my purposes in life. I have added another letter to my stash. Before beginning this letter, I was overwhelmed with my own feelings and thoughts. Writing it away helps me to destress, pause and breathe. Write yourself a thank you note for persevering this far and create your own time capsule to reflect back, evolve and move forward.
H A P P Y T U E S D A Y